How To Get Through The Holidays:
16 Ideas for Hurting Parents
Whether you have a small, medium, or adult child that is sick, deployed, far away from home, living an ungodly life, or is estranged from you, the holidays can be a time of great grief, unremitting sorrow, and bitter loss for parents who had a different vision for how it was supposed to go. You may have beautiful memories of holidays past that you no longer enjoy or dare to think of due to the shards of tragedy and/or broken relationships.
As I give my suggestions, please keep in mind that I have been estranged from at least one child for 15 years and all three for over 3. I have done different things in different phases, depending where I was at spiritually and emotionally at the time. When considering what to do in your own situation, you have to consider.....YOURSELF!
#1 So my first suggestion, which probably most closely represents how I approach the holidays today, is to make the preparations, the decorations, and the celebrations NOT ABOUT ME! Thanksgiving is about thankfulness and Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus. My third and youngest son left at the end of April right after Covid hit. Remember, that? We weren't supposed to gather, it was super depressing, and now ALL THREE of my children had abandoned me and left my life. Things also had become strained with my mom and my sister, and they were terrified of Covid on top of it. IT WAS AWFUL! But I had a talk with myself and decided to decorate anyway (not even sure if anyone would even see it beside me and Steve)...not for me, but as an expression of my thankfulness for the many other blessings in my life. I also chose to make my house a home for my husband...who probably would have said he couldn't have cared less if I decorated or not, but I think he deep down likes that I make our home a home. We had family members over from his side of the family for Thanksgiving. It didn't erase my pain, but it shifted my focus. Same thing at Christmas....I decorated and my husband even put up lights....so that when people drove down our street they would see signs of Christmas! I chose to make a BIG DEAL out of Jesus in spite of my loss and pain. I worshipped Him with my decorating and hospitality. My family wouldn't and didn't come to my house, so I invited couples over for a soup bar, games, and a gift exchange. For those few hours, I forgot all about my children and I just loved on God and on people. So this is my favorite suggestion, but it fits where I am at in this stage of the journey.
#2 Establish a new tradition. Copy something that know about someone else doing or make up something new.
#3 Go on a trip--somewhere you love or someplace you've always wanted to go. Or anywhere but home.
#4 Get out in nature..., more than once, like do it a lot. If it's snowing, bundle up and take pictures of snowflakes and plants with ice crystals, or of a flower that is still alive. Look for aspects of what you see in nature that resonates with your current thoughts and emotions, or that inspire hope.
#5 Start a holiday journal and record situations, events, thoughts, feelings, insights, what God is saying to you, etc. Be honest, pour it all out, purge. If there is a lot of sadness, anger, or negativity, spill it, and then use the King David method: wrap it up with a self-encouragement. Do this every holiday and watch how things change over time. This is the seed of the book you're going to write one day.
#6 Have an un-holiday. One year, for Mother's Day, me and two other broken-hearted moms got together and had an "Un-Mother's Day." We gathered at one mother's apartment sat in the sunshine and had lunch together, and didn't talk about our kids much. It was the right thing for the right time, and we enjoyed ourselves even while hurting.
#7 Indulge yourself in non-destructive ways (aka "self-care”). Plan several activities that are nourishing to you in some way--book a massage, a spa day, hair appointment, get your nails done, or all of the above. Schedule a play date with a friend, or several play dates with different people. Engage in a hobby. Enjoy a "nothing day" (no alarm, no schedule, no plans....just wing it according to what you feel like doing, *without guilt*). Read ALL DAY. Work a puzzle FOR HOURS. Tinker. Go to the gun range. Brainstorm and come up with at least 3 things to spoil yourself with.
#8 Have a worship day, a spiritual warfare day, or both (worship is a weapon of warfare). Channel all your negative energy toward putting a hurt on the devil's camp.
#9 Start, work on, or finish a big project. Refinish the bathroom vanity. Paint. Remodel. Create something. Do a demolition. Build a dollhouse and furnish it. Build a sophisticated model airplane or spaceship.
#10 Instead of an advent calendar, do the Random Acts of Christmas (which I will post soon). Each day of December leading up to Christmas, perform a random act of kindness. You could also do a version for Thanksgiving. Be creative and generous.
#11 Adopt a child (not literally, but you *can*), or sow into the lives of other people's children your time, money, energy and/or affections.
#12 Encourage other parents who are hurting. "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Cor 1:4). Often times giving away what we need also has a boomerang effect.
#13 If you don't have anyone to spend the holidays with, throw a party. Throw one for each holiday you would otherwise spend alone and/or miserable. Play games and give away prizes. Attend a FriendsGiving. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter, feed the homeless. Make Christmas cookies and pass them out with toothbrushes, socks, and a Christmas card filled with scripture, a short testimony, and words of encouragement.
#14 Memorize your favorite chapter in the Bible (the most encouraging one you can find), one line at a time.
#15 Make goodies, crafts, or other gifts for people in the hospital or in nursing homes during the holidays. Take a friend(s) or one of your other children with you
#16 ASK for support! Go to your friend, your spouse, your tribe, your online support group, etc. and express your pain and ask for a lifeline.
Final note: If at some point you overwhelmingly feel like you want to get in bed, pull the covers over your head, and cry yourself to sleep….do that! That may be what you do this year. Next year is a whole year away. With God’s help, your support people, and a little fight in you, you can find yourself in a very different place emotionally and spiritually same time next year.