Should I Write an Amends Letter?

SHOULD I WRITE AN AMENDS LETTER OR NOT?

This blog post is for the parent of an estranged adult child, of which there are many. An “Amends Letter” is something promoted by estrangement expert, Dr. Joshua Coleman—who does not come from a Biblical perspective, but I appreciate his work very much. It has helped me personally, and I have taken his professional training.

Below is a post I shared in the support group I lead for parents/grandparents of prodigal children.

Can I share something? This isn’t to argue or even to disagree, but I just want to make sure for the sake of our varied members that different perspectives are represented. No two people, families, or situations are identical.

I appreciate a member's recent post regarding Shari McGregor’s (author of "Done with Crying") stance against amends letters. Her opinion and viewpoint definitely need to be in the mix. I especially like her observation that an amends letter might not make sense if you’re dealing with someone who is unreasonable, which many of us are dealing with kids that have totally gone off the chain. As many of you know, I like a lot of Dr. Joshua Coleman’s work, and he unequivocally recommends writing amends letters. What I don’t like about both McGregor and Coleman is the tendency to present their views as the “right” or superior way, and the most recent quote posted was, in my opinion, quite condescending toward anyone who might disagree. To me, these are all tools in the toolbox. Don’t grab a hammer if you need a wrench!

I believe both perspectives have a place on the table. As I am fond of saying, each one of us needs to be led by the Holy Spirit!!

Here is why I often think amends letters are the way to go: Prior to having kids, I was brought up (as an adult) in the Biblically inspired 12 step tradition. One of the core values of the 12 steps is the notion of taking your personal inventory, admitting your faults, flaws, and sins to yourself, to God, and to one other person, and making amends to those who you have harmed whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others (and I think you can include yourself in there). We (12 step people) then practice these principles in all of our affairs for the rest of our lives. I have taken these principles to heart and have made many amends to various people throughout my life.

Two scriptures really inform me on this:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23 & 24)

AND

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)

I am not a perfect person, and I was certainly not a perfect parent. In fact, some of my failings may be more egregious than yours. Most, if not all, were unintentional, and many a result of factors outside my control. But whether great or small, I want to do what I call, “cleaning house.” With regard to our children, who may have grievances against us both real and imagined, you don’t have to admit to or make amends for something that is manufactured or so twisted that it bears no resemblance to reality, but Coleman advises looking for the “kernel of truth.” Attempt to empathize with their hurt and perception, even if you don’t agree with the whole narrative they’ve adopted. Own what you can own. For example, there is a HUGE difference between saying, " That must have felt so painful and lonely to feel that your mother wasn't there for you" and "I'm sorry I was never there for you." The other thing that is wise to do, and this is more me and less Coleman, is to let go of the outcome. Many people follow Coleman’s advice and write amends letters with the sole purpose of getting the relationship back. They are acts of desperation, and often, manipulative rather than sincere. In reality, reconciliation may or may not be the outcome. Or it may not happen right away. Reconciliation, or even acknowledgment, hasn’t happened for me for many years. YET! But perhaps I planted seeds that will sprout one day. Over time, my amends letters have become as much about demonstrating humility to my children and offering the healing balm of repentance as it is about my vertical relationship with Christ, obeying Him, and “cleaning house,” that I may enjoy unhindered fellowship with Him and a clear conscience. I have learned to not make excuses, justify, defend, or explain myself. There can be no “buts” in a proper amends. Certainly I want my children back in my life, but I want transformed children. And my contribution to that eventuality is to pray, “walk out my own salvation with fear and trembling,” to be a living testimony and witness to my children, and as far as it depends on me, to do my part to make peace with them and with everyone.

I have not groveled or begged, nor supported a lie. I have thoroughly searched myself and communicated the obvious and what God has shown me about me. As the years have passed, there has been less and less to say. Now I mostly rest and wait, busying myself with the kingdom and delighting in the many blessings that God has bestowed on me. My heart is fat with hope and expectation, and a deepening knowing that whatever God is up to far exceeds anything I could conceive of or imagine.

But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” (1 Cor. 2:9)

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Eph. 3:20)

For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us. 2 Cor. 1:20)