It's not unusual for parents of adult children who have gone “no contact” to want to die.
Yes, you read that right. Suicidal thoughts, feelings, and urges are pretty common. There are no words to really describe the level of unremitting trauma these parents experience as they walk around in their daily lives. I'm not talking about emotionally assaulting, child beating, sexually molesting, drug-using, psychopathic parents, but rather flawed parents who provided, gave all they had, and who love their child more than life itself. These parents expected to enjoy sharing life with their adult children and their families, like they witness others doing. But instead, their child has decided that the best thing for themselves is not to just reduce time spent with their parents, but to completely cut their parents out of their lives. Often that includes withholding precious and much awaited grandchildren too. Many such parents have been deprived of knowing a grandchild was coming and have never even seen their grandchild. I have seen videos of adult children bragging about doing this to their parents.
“No Contact” is being heralded as one of the greatest mental health feats of our time. It's actually encouraged! Never mind that it decimates families and causes immense damage to those involved, some of which members don't recover from. The uncertain, self-reflective, and emotionally challenging work of relationship repair is eschewed for an “off with her head” approach to boundaries and self-care.
Dr. Joshua Coleman, who works with both estranged parents and their adult children, is quick to point out that while some estranging children are purposefully cruel to their parents, others truly believe—right or wrong-- that estrangement is necessary for their mental health, and they hurt over the breach too. They wish their mom/andor dad could have been different in some way.
The point of this post is to bring an awareness to the suffering that is likely right under your nose. Estranged parents, especially those in the first couple of years of their ordeal, are often struggling to keep it together, to even breathe, but when you're sitting next to them in church, chatting with them in the buffet line, or gathered with them around the family Christmas tree, they look and sound completely normal. Your friend might sit in her car and scream or go home and bawl her eyes out in the shower, but you would never know it. She might drink herself into oblivion each night to blot out the relentless thoughts, images, and condemnation. An anguished father experiencing the betrayal of a lifetime may contemplate ending his life or wish that he would have a heart attack and so find relief that way. The holidays are an extraordinarily painful time for those who are missing their living but intentionally absent child.
If you know someone who has been estranged by their child, or their parent, be inquiring and sensitive. Ask God how you can be comforting and supportive. Many don't speak of their pain because they feel frozen, ashamed, or because they fear talking about it will release the floodgates and there won't be any putting Humpty back together again. But they do need to feel seen and cared for, desperately.
Please PM me if you need support.